I was having breakfast with Joe Hesh, as we tend to do the week before I'm up leading worship at Chelten, and, as usual, our discussions turned to what it looks like to be an artist in this world of church music. How does art fit into the frame of what goes on musically in a church, especially when you're trying to be accessible to the masses. This is the purpose of congregational music, is it not? To be a way for the people of God to sing back their praises to Him as the body of Christ. That's a whole nother conversation for another time! (And yes ... I'm trying to start the revolution where you can actually write "a whole nother" ;-)
Anyways ... we began talking about our experiences with doing ministry full-time in the church and Joe talked about being married to the church when you're working for her full time. The truth is, we should only ever be married to Christ while we date the church (as an institution). If we are ever fully married to the church, they will demand things of you that you were never meant to give and they never should be able to demand. I think anyone who's been in full-time ministry or some kind of ministry leadership will probably be able to understand this. This whole analogy has allowed me to describe my 2 1/2 years serving at a church of 2000-3000 people in a completely new (and more accurate) way. Bear with me ...
I feel like I slept with the church before we were married and all of the emotional issues of pre-marital sex have wedged themselves deep in my soul. Luckily God gave me enough good people speaking into my life that I decided to get out of that relationship before it turned into a co-dependant nightmare (which it was starting to edge towards). Every time I was up serving it was great, but it left me feeling empty inside and without experiencing much love and affirmation back. It felt kind of like being used ... I could give them what they wanted, so I would and once I was done, there was very little relationship connection and I was left wishing there was something more.
The ramifications of that whole time of my life are still affecting me. I would like to be back in full-time ministry in the church again at some point, but since I've seen her naked in all of her glories and imperfections (while I tried to hide mine), I'm wary of baring that part of myself again and a little nervous to trust the church again with the commitment that it requires. But I'm learning what it looks like to be defined apart from her and finding grace in the fact that I am ultimately Christ's and not the church's.
Now I'm not railing against the church as a whole, or even the specific church that I was working at. There were many wonderful experiences and times and the Lord really used it to teach me some extremely valuable lessons ... especially when it comes to putting up boundaries in my relationship with the church now. I'm slowly courting the church again as she courts me and I'm discovering that once I get to know her heart (found in the hearts of her people), our commitment to each other will come out of a love relationship that is already there. You cannot be in relationship with the church until you are in relationship with the people she is composed of. And most importantly, until you find your ultimate definition in the words of her groom and not in her traditions and made up rules and laws.
That is where the freedom is found to be the artist, musician and person that God longs for us to be. Grace is slowly unveiling herself to me, and this is just one more peak into her expanse.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Perfection is not Perfect!
As tends to happen when you try to go to bed early, Bekah and I ended up having a really deep conversation that kept us up somewhat late earlier this week. It ended up being one of those moments where God uses someone that knows you really well to shine spotlight on your heart and illuminates something that needs some healing. I can't even tell you how huge this revelation was.
Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I realized that I really struggle to open myself up to Bekah and share with her the struggles that I have and the things that I'm going through. I realized that I put so much pressure on myself to be a good husband, a good Christian etc. Something that I've slowly been discovering about myself is that I'm really driven by the need to do the right thing. Now, this seems to be a good desire, but just underneath the surface some major "law" creeps in and crowds out any room for grace. This is such a sneaky thing that it seems so right from the outside and everyone applauds you for doing the right thing. But is there something better than doing the right thing? This is the hard lesson God's been teaching me.
In trying to be the perfect husband for Bekah, I didn't feel like I could share with her my struggles and shortcomings, especially in areas that really affect her directly and our marriage (such as struggles with lust). I thought that if I shared them with her, it would impact impact our relationship negatively and so I just kept quiet and tried to be there for her as best as I could. Over the last year and a half of our marriage, we've been through crisis after crisis which has really allowed me to step into the role of being there for my wife, and it's been a great way to minister to here. But now that we're no longer in crisis, our relationship is moving below the surface again and I can't live like I've been.
I'm realizing that any relationship needs to have intimacy as its driving force and goal, not perfection. My relationship with Bekah isn't about me becoming the perfect husband for her ... it's about us becoming more and more intimate with each other and discovering the joys of deep relationship there. By worrying so much about whether or not I was as good a husband as I could be, I was actually depriving Bekah or the depths of my heart, as well as depriving her of one of her main roles as my wife in coming alongside me in my times of struggle.
I discovered, ironically, that I can only be the perfect husband for Bekah by not being perfect. She needs a human, flawed partner and friend that she can walk alongside in the good and the bad times. It is only through honesty and being broken that true intimacy can be formed. This holds true in our worship as well. We will never be able to fully worship God and we are fully honest with Him. If we are keeping God and these other people out of hearts for fear that they will truly see who we are, we will never be able to go as deep as they desire to go with us. Now I'm only at the beginning of this whole honesty and brokenness thing and I know it's going to be hard, but I so desperately long for the intimacy that I'm willing to give it a shot.
Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I realized that I really struggle to open myself up to Bekah and share with her the struggles that I have and the things that I'm going through. I realized that I put so much pressure on myself to be a good husband, a good Christian etc. Something that I've slowly been discovering about myself is that I'm really driven by the need to do the right thing. Now, this seems to be a good desire, but just underneath the surface some major "law" creeps in and crowds out any room for grace. This is such a sneaky thing that it seems so right from the outside and everyone applauds you for doing the right thing. But is there something better than doing the right thing? This is the hard lesson God's been teaching me.
In trying to be the perfect husband for Bekah, I didn't feel like I could share with her my struggles and shortcomings, especially in areas that really affect her directly and our marriage (such as struggles with lust). I thought that if I shared them with her, it would impact impact our relationship negatively and so I just kept quiet and tried to be there for her as best as I could. Over the last year and a half of our marriage, we've been through crisis after crisis which has really allowed me to step into the role of being there for my wife, and it's been a great way to minister to here. But now that we're no longer in crisis, our relationship is moving below the surface again and I can't live like I've been.
I'm realizing that any relationship needs to have intimacy as its driving force and goal, not perfection. My relationship with Bekah isn't about me becoming the perfect husband for her ... it's about us becoming more and more intimate with each other and discovering the joys of deep relationship there. By worrying so much about whether or not I was as good a husband as I could be, I was actually depriving Bekah or the depths of my heart, as well as depriving her of one of her main roles as my wife in coming alongside me in my times of struggle.
I discovered, ironically, that I can only be the perfect husband for Bekah by not being perfect. She needs a human, flawed partner and friend that she can walk alongside in the good and the bad times. It is only through honesty and being broken that true intimacy can be formed. This holds true in our worship as well. We will never be able to fully worship God and we are fully honest with Him. If we are keeping God and these other people out of hearts for fear that they will truly see who we are, we will never be able to go as deep as they desire to go with us. Now I'm only at the beginning of this whole honesty and brokenness thing and I know it's going to be hard, but I so desperately long for the intimacy that I'm willing to give it a shot.
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